Some people can really be naïve. And some are still more naïve to understand the naivete that they inexorably exude. Our stuttering parrot of a Bollywood superkhan, Shahrukh Khan, is of course in such a league of his own.
Even the egomaniacal Amir Khan cannot stoop to such low levels. And pardon my spellings for the names. These days it is easier to keep track of IPL captaincy changes than to monitor the ways these self-effacing stars keep changing their names to suit their astrological predilections.
Yeah, before we digress too much off-pitch, let's get back to the nets. Yes, yes, yes, we were on Rukruk Khan. Or, whatever Khan he happens to be at the time of going to the Press. Or, whatever. Yeah, Jaalmag did happen to catch up with Shah Rukh Khan on the sidelines of the Indian Premier League 2009. No, we won't tell you "where" exactly. We can only tell you that this wasn't anywhere near Kolkata.
This particular Khan has no idea how mad a cricket-crazy Calcuttan can get (ok, make that Kolkatan, for all your political correctness). All he Khan possibly know is about irate fans lighting pyres in the stands when Sri Lankan spinners were making Indian batsmen dance all over the half-baked pitch during that World cup match sometime in the 1990s. He Khannot possibly know what Wesley Hall and Charlie Griffith had to go through while running from the Eden Gardens all the way back to their hotel in 1966. With irate fans baying for their blood and giving them a chase for their wretched Black lives. Now...that was real cricket. Khan, of course, doesn't know. He's too steeped in his naivete for that.
We of Jaalmag did happen to catch up with him and forgot flannelled games for once. He, to be fair to Khan, knew that we were not after his blood, and, hence agreed to make his life clearer for us:
Jaal: Anything you would like to let your fans know about your next picture?
SRK: Kkkkk.. kare to repeat the question?
Jaal: Anything you would like to let your fans know about your next picture?
SRK: Yes, it will be directed by four directors – Karan Johar, Farah Khan, Aditya Chopra, and Mahesh Manjrekar.
Jaal: Four heaven’s sake! Four?
SRK: You critics!
Jaal: Beg your pardon?
SRK: I mean.. well.. you see… you people.. well.. kkkk…..
Jaal: Yes?
SRK: Yeah, I have the greatest regard for you people. You know everything. Butt you see, we are not fools. We also know something about making films.
Jaal: Of course, of course…
SRK: You see… we are trying out a novel experiment. We are going to use four different directors for a single film..
Jaal: Something like ‘Das Kahanyaan’ where ten directors apparently directed ten episodes?
SRK: Arrey yaar, you critics interrupt too much.. So, what was I saying… yes… four directors. They will all each direct four different aspects.
Jaal: But…
SRK: Ufff…. You guys interrupt too much.
Jaal: Sorr….
SRK: Karan will look after all the emotional scenes, Farah all the inane ones, Aditya all the contrived ones, and Mahesh at the violent ones.
Jaal: Sounds like a pppppotboiler.
SRK: You bet our Indian ass you will.
Jaal: Arse, you mean.
SRK: Kya farq padta hai? We will make the picture ass you like it.
Jaal: Arse you like it. Well..
SRK: It gets better… listen to me… we will also have four heroines in the picture.
Jaal: As many as four?
SRK: Damn yaar, you interrupt too much. Yes, four heroines. Two each for each birth. And two who flip for the hero by the side when he suffers from memory lapses.
Jaal: Any names?
SRK: Naah, I won’t take you through a gruelling KBC-II rigmarole for that. Okay… here goes… Juhi Chawla, Preity Zinta, Rani Mukherjee, and Kajol.
Jaal: Aren’t they all over-the-hill?
SRK: You wanted names, and I gave them to you, right? I never said they are going to act, right?
Jaal: Right.. and…
SRK: And there will be four villains. Four music directors. Four male playbacks who will sing for me. And..
Jaal: And?
SRK: After that I wil have enough money to buy four cricket teams.
